“What does it feel like to live in a Body that knows its limits?”
At age 24, just five days after moving to New York City, I answered. Though I wouldn’t have responded honestly then, had I not suddenly become a Stroke Survivor. Burnout was no longer a rhetorical and far-fetched concept, as Disability became my permanent reality. I was devastated, yes, but at the same time, I was absolutely amazed — how easily my Brain adapted to being broken! I broke in a way that was beautiful, because I became human. Nowadays, I consider my punishment of perfection as the true pursuit of happiness. “To be perfect is to be wrong, and to be wrong is to be living.”
The younger versions of myself would disagree, aloud at least. In the early beginnings, my Stroke Recovery was nothing short of fascinating. I witnessed neuroplasticity happen in real-time, and I couldn’t help but appreciate how utterly cool my survival was. When I first woke up after the event, my Eyes noticed the hospital ceiling, and then my Right-side felt heavier than usual. Before I could even register my temporary paralysis, I became a Leftie. I laughed as I admired my “new” Hand, and I pushed myself up to leave the hospital bed. Within seconds of waking up, my Body had already Decided and adjusted accordingly. I’ve since then made it a practice to capitalize my Senses in my writing, to acknowledge the deeper respect that I have for my Body’s awareness and autonomy. “I would not have survived had my Body not chosen to live.” This seems so immediate, so readily understood of a concept — our Bodies are built to survive and are designed to tolerate life under certain conditions.
A Near-Death Experience (NDE) changes you; not only do you become aware of what it means to encounter an early end, but you also consider beginning to participate in a life worth living. I was not living before, and I acknowledge that. My Body has not forgiven me, and I am still learning to be okay with that. Every day for the last 3 years, I feel a right-sided numbness so specific to survival, a type of dull humming that only soft self-assurances can echo. How humbling an experience it was to relearn how to walk and write again. How difficult it was to admit that my world was Still Blurry. How terrifying it was to apologize to my Body incorrectly. Again. How Human of me to write about it, to share it with others, even.
Written by Nelgie “Nèl” Lauredent, Ed.M.
Nelgie “Nèl” Lauredent, Ed.M. is a Creative Strategist and Designer based in Uptown Manhattan, New York City. Known to wear outfits as remarkable as her Stroke Recovery, Nèl is never without her contact cards on 5th Avenue.
